Another Malka Leifer?! Tzipi Dinar, "beloved" religious educator, accused of sexually abusing her students
No fewer than 5 high-profile sexual predators are in the news today in Israel. Each one sheds light on cruel tactics of grooming, emotional manipulation, and cover-ups.
Five different sexual abusers are making headlines in Israel at the moment. Perhaps that is a sign of the times, that #MeToo has finally arrived to Israeli media culture. Or maybe it’s an indication of how rampant these behaviors are — how they cross all boundaries of social class, community, religion, and even gender.
Each story has its own important lessons for us on how sexual abuse happens and how it is covered up. But in some ways, the stories are all sort of the same.
[Massive trigger warning: sexual abuse]
(1) Chaim Walder
The biggest item in my social media feed this week was the suicide of haredi children’s author Chaim Walder. The discovery that he was a serial rapist and pedophile — which started out with a handful of complaints by women whom he assaulted as teens and eventually snowballed into dozens of victims —chaim shocked his community, where he was widely revered as an adored as an “expert” in children. His books have been a staple in most Orthodox Jewish homes, and many people are struggling with how to reconcile his multiple behaviors. They can’t understand how he can be one thing AND the other thing at the same time. We are so accustomed to thinking that evil people LOOK evil. The guy who looks like a great guy while doing the most cruel and abhorrent things at the same time doesn’t make sense against that narrative.
Let’s break this down. Because it is a crucial lesson about sexual abuse and what an abuser looks like.
The Charming Abuser.
It can be shocking to realize how much abusers are beloved by so many people. But that’s exactly the point. Part of the abuser profile is precisely the Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde personality. Abusers are usually charming, charismatic, and articulate. They know how to emotionally manipulate people — alone or in large audiences. They are often wonderful speakers, performers, or even musicians, they know how to say exactly what will make themselves endeared to their listeners, and they are able to find the emotional weaknesses of their prey in order to get them to do their bidding. It’s all part of the abusive personality.
It is also a narcissistic obsession with control. The abuser takes great pleasure not only in the abuse but also in molding people’s opinions — of himself, of others. It’s a mind-game that is often an essential part of the abuse dynamic.
Creating the perfect disguise.
The most manipulative abusers, like Walder, know how to hide in plain sight by crafting a platform as “expert” or “educator” or “spiritual leader” or “coach”, each one a visage that is exactly the opposite of what they are — and also gives them lots of free access to their prey. Again, it’s part of the narcissistic control game, to get people to be adoring while hiding his secret predilections. It is brilliant in its effectiveness.
Constructing high-profile support.
Another trait of this kind of high-profile, highly manipulative abuser is that they often know how to build relationships with powerful people who will have their backs no matter what. Although Rabbi Eliyahu of Safed deserves commendation for the integrity with which he listened to victims and supported them — as do all the other organizations that fired and discredited Walder when they heard the news — it is still astonishing that, despite all this, some haredi leaders continued to praise him after his death and downplayed the entire issue that he was a pedophile rapist. Even Chief Rabbi Lau visited the shiva.
Why? These dynamics reflect part of the abuser’s personality. It’s about being part of the network of powerful people. Abusers like power, and powerful people are often drawn to other powerful people. Abusers are highly skilled at building tight relationships with other powerful, high-profile members of their communities as a way of maintaining support, no matter how bad their actions are.
We have seen this over and again. Motti Elon has a following. Carlebach still has a following. Marc Gafni has a massive platform. These high profile rabbis knew how to build protective relationships. It’s part of their charm and MO. In some ways, it seemed like the Walder story was cracking open that dynamic, as he was arguably the first one in the Orthodox community to be castigated at all. But the tendency of high-profile leaders to to support high-profile abusers is still alive and well.
(2) Tsipi Dinar
The Walder story has eclipsed the revelation of another abuser in the Israeli religious community. Tsipi Dinar, the “adored” teacher in the religious girls Sha’alvim Ulpana (high school) in the Orthodox community of Nof Ayalon is reportedly also a serial abuser whose victims are just starting to come forward to the media.
Like Malka Leifer, the religious headmistress in Australia who is currently on trial for no fewer than 70 counts of sexual abuse, including 9 counts of rape, Dinar also carefully groomed her victims, allegedly, while maintaining support from her community.
This is an important story to examine, because it helps us understand what abuse by a woman entails, and whether it is different from abuse by a man. We tend to think of sexual abusers as men, but people of all genders can be both victims and abusers. It wasn’t “just” Malka Leifer.
The same grooming tactics
Dinar had calculated grooming tactics. Victims reported that Dinar would befriend her victims, make them feel “special”, invite them to her house for “special” encounters, tell them how much she loved them, and prey on the victims’ vulnerabilities. Then she would gradually get them into her bed, where she would do what she wanted with their bodies.
These tactics are exactly the same as those of male abusers. Making the victim feel special, giving the victims “prizes” of sorts, using language of “love”, preying on the victims’ weaknesses. The grooming process is the same, whether the abuser is a man or a woman.
The same communal support for the abuser.
The abuse was reported to the religious group Takana some seven years ago, and the forum recommended that she switch jobs, but did not go to any authorities with the story. Dinar did move jobs, but she still works as an educator and is still a publicly revered figure. Takana also recommended that her name be publicized, but that never happened.
Remember also that Malka Leifer had the public support of Israeli ministers, most notably Health Minister Yaakov Litzman, who did all that he could — legally and illegally — to keep Leifer from being put on trial.
Again, even when the abuser is a woman, high-profile abusers tend to receive high-profile support.
Harder to believe when the abuser is a woman.
An estimated 5-7% of abusers are women. Women are certainly in the minority here. And the dynamics of power and control that can certainly cross all gender boundaries also contain important gender components, as gender and power often intersect in cases of sexual abuse. In fact, self-defense trainings often include instructions to seek out a woman if you’re in trouble, since women are much less likely to hurt you than men.
We are socialized into viewing women as sexually “safe”. (In the Orthodox community, people are also often socialized into believing that women are not quite actively sexual beings, that men are the “actors” and women are the “recipients” — although that is a topic for a separate blog.) When the abuser is a woman, people have lots of questions, and also disbelief.
At the risk of being overly graphic, I will just say that “rape” does not have to involve a penis. And also, sexual abuse does not have to involve rape. There are many ways to sexually abuse a person.
Women abusing girls? “It’s no big deal”
In fact, the statistics about women being “safe” may make it harder on victims of female abusers. There may be a tendency not to understand how a woman can be an abuser, and not to believe it. Abuse by a woman may in some cases be more easily dismissed than abuse by a man. One victim said that when she disclosed the abuse, rabbis would say to her, “Lesbianism is not against Jewish law.” As if to say, a woman sexually abusing girls is no big deal.
Keep reading with a 7-day free trial
Subscribe to The Roar to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.