Worlds of Pain
A month ago, I returned home from the Paris Peace Conference in the midst of the war with Iran and closed airports, with a growing ache in my arm. My 20-hour journey via four airports and several squashy and contorted hours-long car rides till I reached the Eilat land border and finally home gifted me with some tendon injuries that within days grew into worlds of pain. I have since been doing intensive physiotherapy, discovering what “pain management” means, and taking too many medications to count — including three different types of pain meds that don’t really have much of an effect or heal the tendons, but make me drowsy and foggy, unable to think straight yet also remarkably unable to sleep. Finding a good prone position that doesn’t pressure the injuries is challenging enough — but staying in that position without unconsciously rolling over in the wrong way is nearly impossible. Waking up after having slept on that elbow induces a level of agony that I never imagined — and I’ve given birth four times! I have, during this time, written many substacks in my head that never made it to the page. I have also imagined myself getting through my normal todo list, only to be reminded many times a day about my current bodily limitations. I’m now relearning how to make a fist with my left hand, to lift with my left arm, and to generally function when I feel disconnected from my body. In physio I started using one-kilo weights which at times exhaust me. I try not to let that discourage me…. The sitting posture I am in right now — that is, bent elbows with fingers dancing across the keyboard, the posture that I used to live in for many hours each day — is its own massive world of pain. I have been timing my work schedule around how long I can withstand this. For now, I’m still here, though I haven’t yet finished my introductory paragraph. Nevertheless, at this hour of 4AM after I have had my brief sleep and have since been unable to find a comfortable position to resume that activity, my brain is swimming in so many thoughts about the world we are in, that I decided it’s time for me to try to get back to writing. Let’s see how this goes. Thanks in advance for bearing with me.
Also, FWIW, through this experience, I have learned a lot about women and pain. About how medical profressions treat us (OMG I have some stories….). About the voices in my head suggesting I’m making it up (the word “hypochondriac” lurks in a zillion corners of my consciousness, and I am asking myself why that word even exists). About the internal pressure to not complain or overshare or ask for help — so as not to seem weak, or needy, or burdensome, or incorrect, or a bad woman. Remembering how, when I was pregnant, I felt so much pressure to plan on NOT asking for an epidural, as if a woman getting help with pain was somehow wrong, weak, or a failure. Remembering actual men saying that to me. This and so much more has been coming back to me, and swirling in my head, even as I write this. My own ambivalence about being in this very moment sharing my body experience publicly with all of you….. And so, I’m just saying, the decision to share is in a certain way its own act of feminist rebellion. One day, if I have the time and werewithal and nothing else on my list of items to write about, I will share more on that. It’s an important story, but I can’t go there right now.
One of the things that this pain has made me think about a LOT is the hostages. Imagining the hostages squashed in tunnels, unable to move properly or sleep or think or live. What kinds of pains must they be going through…. I know my little elbow-shoulder problem is nothing compared to theirs. I keep them in my thoughts all the time.
I read an interview this weekend with Doron Shteinbrecher, a young woman from Kfar Aza who spent over 400 days in Hamas captivity before being released in a ceasefire/hostage exchange. She shared how she is faring (not too well), and some of her zillions of lingering traumas. She said that there is no way to speak about post-trauma because as long as hostages are still there — including her good friends Gali and Ziv Berman — there is no “after” to speak of. She is in utter shock that the government has not prioritized getting the hostages back, and feels personally pained every time she sees Israelis moving on, like going to concerts and generally living as if there are no hostages. She is, of course, right about this. I know that the Saturday night hostage vigils in Modi’in take place in the city center where the stage that holds hostage family members is surrounded by restaurants and pubs. The sounds of people having a good time and music blaring amidst the realities of this ongoing war are unbearably jarring. And yet another reminder that our people have lost so much of the core moral compass that once defined us. The people who value life above all else? Doron has some serious doubts about that. I feel her.
*****
My little pain also makes me think of the Palestinians in Gaza, who are also experiencing much greater suffering. My friend Yara who lives in Dir al Balach with her family is slowly dying to death. Her family has not received food since February, and have been subsisting on bits of rice. She says she is lucky in that her family has resources to acquire this expensive luxury. But none of the food aid that Israel has supposedly been allowing in to Gaza has reached her. Here is what she wrote to me today.
Instead of fixing this, Israel continues to shoot at Gazans desperately trying to get food. Speaking of our lost moral compass….. There are only four locations of food distribution throughout Gaza, and people have to travel great distances to get there. The army tells Gazans to stay away from military zones, which now constitute roughly half of Gaza, and soldiers are often given free reign to treat anyone coming near a military zone as hostile. The shooting of Gazans looking for food is labeled by Israeli authorities as “crowd control”. I am sickened just writing these words. Today alone, over 30 Gazans were killed this way, and over 200 injured by gunshot. Doctors say they are out of supplies to treat these injuries.
And this morning, the IDF announced a new ground operation into Dir al Balach. I am trembling at the thought.
And the hostage families are begging the govt to reconsider. They know that an invasion into Dir Al Balach endangers their loved ones still in captivity.
And also, by the way, three babies died this week from malnutrition.
Here is some information from Adi Argov of The Daily File: In the photo is Adi Wael Habib, nine months old. His parents were killed on 6 May 2025, and he has no siblings. His aunt, Islam, is raising him in a displacement shelter in the Sheikh Radwan neighborhood. For the past three months he has suffered from malnutrition because of a shortage of infant formula, and he has lost about four kilograms.
According to OCHA:
5,800 children were treated for acute malnutrition during June alone.
A week ago, 17 women and children were killed in an air‑strike while they waited in line to receive nutritional supplements.
Five infants are sharing a single incubator in some hospitals.
About 700 pregnant and breastfeeding women and 500 children are currently being treated for moderate to severe malnutrition.
983 cases of severe malnutrition were reported in early July at one clinic in Gaza City; 326 of these are toddlers under two years old
2,613 families in Gaza have been completely wiped out.
5,943 families are left with a single survivor.
At the same time, the Israeli government — which no longer has a functioning coalition — is pushing plans from its radical right-wing religious ministers to take over Gaza, to push Palestinians out, and create a concentration camp which they are giving the Orwellian name of “Humanitarian City”. It’s not humanitarian and not a city. For now, it’s not even tenable and is just a jumble of words. Empty, cruel, mind-numbing words masking inhumane intentions. But still in the talking points. It’s all vomit-inducing. This is who we have become as a nation. We are doing this.
You don’t like the word genocide? Or ethnic cleansing? Or war crimes? Too bad that’s what we are doing….
****
Today, I made a brand new protest sign. Even though I haven’t been to a protest since I came back, as it’s hard for me to find the energy for that, I decided that I can’t do nothing while Yara and her family are literally starving to death, and the hostages are doing the same. They are all part of the same problem right now — which is Bibi Netanyahu’s utter refusal to end this war and get out of Gaza.
I decided I’m just going to stand on the intersection next to my house, a high traffic area, every day for as long as my body lets me, and just hold this sign. I just have to do it.
Other infuriating items that keep me awake and keep my body from functioning normally.
The Knesset nearly ousted MK Ayman Oudeh for daring to suggest that the people of Gaza also deserve repreive from war. It is astonishing to me how an expression of sympathy for Gazans gets people in Israel cast as enemies of the state. As terrorists. I’m extremely disappointed at how overwhelming this sentiment is in the Knesset, how few MKs came to Oudeh’s side. MKs I once respected. So incredibly disappointing.
For the record, I want to say that I think Ayman Oudeh is an outstanding leader. I’ve been saying this since Oct 7, when he was one of the few public figures to express a vision for the country that sees all human beings as human beings, who called for non-violence on all sides and pleaded for restraint and empathy, who openly calls for his people and all people to be guided by compassion and humanity, and who is able to see the world with balance, in which we are all human, on all “sides”, and all deserving of dignity and life. Ayman Oudeh is probably the only one in the political horizon who I would trust as prime minister. And yes, I voted for his party.
The idea that Ayman Oudeh is a terrorist supporter is outrageous and ridiculous. It’s the kind of thing that people would say if they don’t know him at all, or if they are so deeply indoctrinated into the idea that all Arabs are secretly Hamas terrorists that they can’t even hear what Arabs are actually saying if it contradicts their preconceived stereotypes. It is so depressing to me how deeply those sentiments run.
And then, today, Ayman Oudeh was violently attacked by right-wing crazies who surrounded his car screaming “Death to the Arabs”.
Yeah, that happened.
Are we surprised about this? I mean, really. If the so-called leaders are engaging in this very violent act of trying to kick out their Arab colleague, why are we surprised when their constituents take that a step further?
The good news — well, sort of — is that many of the same MKs who voted to oust him are now denouncing this actual Jewish terrorism. It’s good that some of them are able to condemn the physical attack. But it’s still distressing that they cannot see how their own actions contributed to the situation we are in.
Other items floating through my head in the middle of the night.
Settler violence.
The erasure of Massafar Yatta. Random killings of Palestinians, like Palestinian-American Saif Musallet.
My podcast cohost, Amira Musallem, has been the victim of this awful phenomenon, and regularly shares her experiences on our program. More to come.
In case we don’t have enough violent warfronts in our lives, this week the Druze community became targets of murderous attacks in Syria. My Druze friend Wafaa who lives in the Golan and lost three family members in this brutality, wrote the following:
Perhaps less knows is that Christians are also currently under attack. More on this to come as I gather details.
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Another item that keeps me up is the spate of soldier suicides — four in the past two weeks alone, and the complete ineffectiveness of the IDF to address this. Nineteen soldiers have committed suicide since the beginning of the year.
While there are many contributing factors to this tragic phenomenon, the ongoing war and the terrible activities it is forcing soldiers to engage in are undoubtedly a major issue, as CNN reported last year. The fact that army service is mandatory, coupled with the population’s apparent powerlessness in stopping our blood-thirsty prime minister from continuing a war that 74% of the population is currently against, put soldiers in an untenable situation.
And just a reminder that while some people may be telling themselves that soldiers are doing something heroic like rescuing hostages, we know that is just not the reality. Rescuing hostages has never been a real goal of the war, nor has it been realistic. The IDF has killed more hostages than it has saved. And the only way to bring hostages home is by ending the war.
Which Netanyahu refuses to do.
(I’ve written and spoken about this a zillion times. See my previous posts over the past two years for details…)
This whole situation is depressing and infuriating beyond words. Beyond anything I can describe.
And I’m reaching the end of my ability to sit at my keyboard. So you’ll have to put your own words in here and search for your own links.
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One last bit that is in some ways the most depressing of all:
Polls over the past few weeks show that if elections were held today, Bibi would totally win, and even be able to form a coalition.
I can’t wrap my head around this.
I just don’t understand. Who are these people still backing this guy?
Besides the obvious Jewish terrorists attacking Ayman Oudeh and screaming “death to the Arabs?”
Who?
Are these the same people sitting in cafes laughing around while hostage families are crying a few meters away?
The same ones who buy into the lie that the IDF is in Gaza to rescue hostages?
Or maybe people, like the settlers rampaging in the West Bank, attacking Palestinians as if they are not even human?
It’s not just that. I fear it’s also people who are enchanted by Israel’s attack on Iran. Who want the big bully Bibi to “protect” them. Who live in fear and buy into all the indoctrination, enough to justify anything.
This is so deeply worrying to me, and I don’t know what to do with this information.
All this, coupled by the images of the Trump-Bibi bromance and nominating each other for things like Nobel Peace Prizes or Exemption from Rule of Law. All of that…
While, btw, both of them saying, “Oh yeah, soon there will be a deal. Next week. Maybe 2 weeks. We’re close. We’re really close”. For months, “we’re close”. It’s these mind games…
And it’s all, you know, deeply disturbing…. and, well, fill in the rest with your own adjectives or descriptions.
***
That’s all I’ve got right now. I don’t know how much more I will be able to write in the near future. The orthopedist told me it may take two years for my arm to heal fully. I don’t plan on letting it take that long. But in the meantime, I’m doing my best.
If you want to engage with me, follow my podcast. It’s easier for me to talk than type, so I’ll probably be focusing more energies there. You can follow on Youtube, Spotify, or FB.
Thanks for being here in this vital conversation with me. <3
