We need to break open the many silencing tools used by abusers

NDAs are not just a legal tool for silencing. They are also a shaming tool to keep victims hiding. I'm not doing that anymore.

****How silencing tactics shame victims and protect abusers****

Now that so many aspects of this story are out in the open, I would like to highlight one moment that I had that sticks with me as a deep, painful regret that I cannot undo.

And that is: I did NOT share my story of abuse at JOFA with Sharon before she started her job. I could have. I could have broken the NDA and just told her. I had the opportunity. I had the knowledge, and I didn't.

She asked me -- not knowing anything about BS or NDAs or anything. She approached me in shul and said, "Hey, I'm starting your old job and I'd love to go for coffee and chat about it." It sounded so normal. It is such a natural thing to do.

But I didn't. I didn't go. I didn't tell her. I didn't warn her. I should have. NDA or not. I should have shared. I could have protected her and I didn't. So that is on me. It pains me in indescribable ways, and I can only imagine how Sharon feels about it.

Instead, I completely froze at the suggestion. Just the mention of JOFA at that point in time sent me into an internal panic. Heart beating fast. Tremors. Screaming in my head. Although today I can say that this was a triggered post-trauma response, at the time I did not have any language or tools to understand that. I was just, you know, managing. Recovering.

"I'm sorry, I can't help you," I said. "You're going to have to go through your own process."

I did that. I said that to Sharon. I hate myself for it. But I did it.

The truth is, it wasn't just the NDA that stopped me. It was also the shame. It was the feeling that I had brought this on myself. If only I knew how to play the game better. If only I knew how to suck it up, the way so many others do. If only I knew how to keep my mouth shut, you know. I thought people would look at me and blame me and think, you know, what is wrong with this woman?

So I didn't share. I was too caught up in my own trauma and processing. I could have opened my heart and taken her in. But I didn't have the wherewithal -- or the legal ability -- to do that at that moment. But wow, I so wish I had.

The NDA is not just a legal tool. It is an emotional tool. It sends the message: You need to hide. You need to feel ashamed. So I did.

But that's wrong, you know. People who have been abused should not feel ashamed. But that's not how abuse works.

Part of the entire abuse process is that the abuser purposefully, intentionally, and systematically inserts shame into their victims. That is a huge piece of it. And it works....Victims so often internalize the shame. The self-blame. The feeling that they did something to deserve it.

(For a great illustration of this, see the movie, Good Will Hunting, in the critical scene where Robin William's character finally breaks open Matt Damon's character and says simply, "It's not your fault. It's not your fault". That is the whole thing....)

Anyway, I didn't talk about it. Not then, and not for many, many years.

Also, I didn't talk about it because I was imagining how this would impact the movement of Orthodox feminism. I mean, it was hard enough talking about the patriarchy and the zillions of ways that women struggle in work and in shuls and schools. I thought to myself, can you imagine if people find out that the place that is supposed to be about change and sisterhood and women protecting each other is ALSO infected? That it is doing the exact OPPOSITE of what it is doing?

I didn't want to tell that story. I didn't want to be the one outing women that way. I thought, we still need the illusion that women are creating a different world. Breaking that illusion, I thought, would be crushing.

It was, in fact, crushing to me, but I thought it would also be crushing to an entire movement. I didn't want to do that to the feminist movement. To expose its deep, dark secrets. The worse secrets. That feminists can be just as awful to women as everyone else. I kept that terrible secret for a long time.

Today, I think the movement of Orthodox feminism is doing just fine and does not need JOFA. There are amazing people everywhere doing the holy work of bringing much-needed change. But at the time, I was still protecting the abusers. So I did that.

There are many silencing tools at our community's disposal.

People say, "Don't ruin their reputation, their work is so important!"

They say, "Don't talk lashon hara! It's against the Torah!"

They say, "Sign this NDA -- it's to protect you as well, since you don't want to sully YOUR reputation."

But, you know, women have been quietly breaking these rules for generations. The thing we call "gossip" or "lashon hara" has actually been women's life-savor forever. Women quietly sharing, "Stay away from that guy...." The gossip literally saved women's lives for so long.

We should own that. We should celebrate it. We should embrace the gossip when it is a tool of protection.

And mostly we should find or create better ways to protect people so we can do away with those protective whispers.

I failed in that. I did not do my bit when I needed to. When I should have. I didn't protect my shvester. But maybe now, we are doing a tikkun to that, too.

It still is absolutely heartbreaking to me that this is the reality, and that women -- even self-described feminist women -- have so many internalized patriarchal practices in ways that hold other women down . Heartbreaking beyond description.

But maybe this experience can start to be a tikkun for that, too. For women to start talking openly about their own issues. About jealousies. About anger. About resentments. About feelings of injustice. About competition. About how other women are the "low-hanging fruit" and how easy it can be to reduce another woman to size. About the ways that we dismiss other women's knowledge and authority. Maybe we can start talking about that, too.