This war is taking a deep emotional toll. And it gets worse with every second the hostages are not returned.

When 240 people -- including babies and kids -- are sitting in the spider web of Hamas tunnels, the foundations of our basic trust in the world are just rotting away.

I sat down at least five different times to try and write this blog.

Here, I got a first sentence out. That’s a victory, given my overall emotional state.

Ever since the rally I went to on Saturday night for the return of the hostages, (or maybe before, tbh) the most heart-wrenching event I've ever been to in my life, I have been overwhelmed, frozen, paralyzed. As hard as the past month has been in terms of dealing with the Oct 7 attack — the shock, the trauma, the layers of death and pain around us, and the fact that our lives are on hold because the whole country is at war — there is something about the situation of the hostages that is a whole other level of unbearable.

The testimonies of family members, many of whom are now camped out there in front of the Tel Aviv museum, waiting impatiently for their loved ones to be released, are beyond anything I can describe. One speaker after another -- mothers, fathers, grandparents, aunts, uncles, children of hostages -- shared the unbearable days and nights of waiting. Of not knowing what is happening to their loved ones, somewhere in the strangling spider web of Hamas tunnel. They kept erupting into shouts of "NOW" "NOW" "NOW" "NOW", because every single second is torture. Every. Single. Second.

And every day it gets worse and worse.

They talked about the babies in captivity. The children. Those who were captured right after watching family members being murdered. Those who are sick and in need of medication. Those who are musicians and athletes and artists. Those who have never hurt a soul.

All of them deserve to be returned. NOW. NOW. NOW.

They talked about the whitewashing language that the government uses to avoid taking responsibility. The betrayal by our leaders who are doing nothing for them. Who talk about "sacrifice" and "costs". "We have already paid the highest price," said one tortured mother. "Don't talk to us about costs. Release them NOW."

I sat down to write this blog because I want to try and describe the impact of this situation on people in Israel. But, again, I’m not sure I have the words….

It is upending one’s entire life. One’s entire world. Nothing is as it seems to be. As it should be. Nothing is stable. Nothing is normal. Nothing is reliable or dependable or knowable.

The situation throws out the basic things we need to survive: Trust that there is a safe place in the world. Belief that someone, somewhere, has your back. Hope that there is a happy ending somewhere. Knowledge that there is something sacred, something about certain really awful things not being possible. It can’t be….. it can’t be….it can’t be that babies are being held hostage. No way, can’t be.

I was remembering how, when Gilad Shalit was held hostage, during the entire time that he was in captivity, my belief system was very shaky. It was hard for me to trust, to know, to understand. We functioned, we weren’t at war, things seemed normal from the outside. But there was something inside of me that felt broken. I found something that I wrote in The Forward when Gilad Shalit was released, in which I described those feelings, and they are many of the same things then as I feel now — that sense of something being deeply off if we aren’t doing whatever we can to bring him back.

Only now, that feeling is multiplied. By 240. Or maybe it’s not multiplied but more like, it’s that feeling to the power of 240. Each one increasing those feelings of dread, fear, instability by multitudes. Something incalculable.

I watched a video today that was released by the IDF showing some of what the army has found in Gaza. They found a space underneath a hospital where a group of hostages was being held — including a baby. There are diapers. And a baby bottle. And a sign-in roster for the Hamas guards.

The video is a powerful testament to the importance of the army’s work right now. Critical.

But also, it’s an excruciatingly vivid reminder that Hamas really really really is holding babies hostage. I just can’t. I really just can’t…..I’m sharing the video below because I feel it is very important for the world to see. But I highly recommend that, if you choose to watch this, you have someone nearby who you can hug tight afterwards. For as long as you need.

So I just want to say this: This whole situation is taking a massive emotional toll. Every single day that the hostages are there, many of us are all in a fight-flight-fright state.

Maybe I should only speak for myself. I’m walking in trauma. I am in a non-stop state of trauma response. Non-stop.

But I’m pretty sure I’m not alone.

The events trigger many of the key issues for trauma survivors — fear of abandonment, feelings of being invaded and violated, lack of trust, not knowing who to trust, bombardments of emotional manipulation, all the noise and the shock, and just the non-stop violence and death surrounding us…..

But even for people who do not have their own personal history or relationship with trauma, these events are taking a toll. Every day that the hostages are there, and every day that this corrupt and incompetent government is holding the strings to our future, it is impossible to function.

It’s just impossible to function.

I’ve noticed that some friends around the world are kind of moving on a bit. I’m seeing joyful announcements about new jobs, or life celebrations, or random posts about television shows and haircuts. I’m happy for all of them, truly. I’ll even like some and write ‘mazel tov’. And I myself have been prone to random scrolling of Beyonce’s Renaissance tour or AGT golden buzzer moments or really bad tik-tok recipe videos that gets tossed into my feed while I’m searching for news. Anything to forget for a minute about the world we are living in.

But it’s just a little cotton-candy reprieve. I’m not really there. I’m not able to move on. I can barely get any work done at all. I can’t really have conversations with people that aren’t somehow related to all this. I’m absolutely still frozen in place.

Waiting for all this to be over. (Will it ever be over? What is “all this” anyway?)

Waiting for things to return to what they were. (What they were? What is that? Can I envision it? Does that even exist? With 21 towns emptied, foreign agricultural workers gone, 1400 dead, entire families destroyed, and an uncertain future in Gaza and our relationship with Palestinians, things will never again be what they were before the war.)

Waiting to feel safe again. (Who will give us that feeling? Our leaders??!!!! Hah! Who are the leaders who know what we need and can make us feel safe again??? How exactly will anyone feel safe anywhere? Ever?)

And mostly, at the very least, waiting for the hostages to be returned. Until then, I can barely even hold a sentence together.

#BringthemhomeNOW

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