I was called a Nazi -- and discovered in real time how communities rally around abusers

How do abusers garner communal support? This is one of the biggest questions in the issue of sexual abuse. Yesterday I got a first-hand lesson in how that happens.

I have to admit, I’m still reeling. It’s not that often that I get called Herr Goebbels, a reference to the Nazi responsible for PR and mind control. It happened in a Facebook group (of course, where else), following a post I wrote sharing the story of Michael Steinhardt, a Jewish mega-donor who is not only a sexual abuser but also (we just learned) a multi-million dollar art thief. In my post, I described some of the findings from my research on sexual abuse in the Jewish community that indicate that donors may perhaps be the most protected class among sexual abusers. Nobody wants to take on a donor, no matter how egregious his sins.

In the thread that followed my post to the group, I explained that Jewish culture has a problem when it comes to reverence for money. People providing funding often matter more than, say, professionals doing the work. Donors are deemed indispensable, while workers – especially women – are often cast as throwaways. That is one of the core findings of my research, which was based on over 80 interviews. For one public example of this dynamic, see Cheryl Moore’s pivotal article, “I’m never coming back”.

That’s when a guy in the group commented to me, “Herr Goebbels.”

As if to say, if I dare suggest that the community has its social hierarchy out of whack and gives too much space to big donors, I’m providing anti-Semitic fodder. (As opposed to, say, having rigorous research and evidence.)

It’s the whole Haim Saban thing about Jews controlling the world. Which, by the way, has nothing to do with the point I was making. I was talking about our internal culture and values, not controlling the world. Just saying.

Anyway, I started to reply. I wrote, “Really? Playing the anti-Semitism card?” I actually have a section about that in my book, too, (due out, PG, in the spring) about how certain Jewish sacred cows are used to protect abusers, such as anti-semitism. In the comments section on the New York Times expose of Steinhardt’s sexual abuse, for example, you can find dozens of angry Jews calling the article an anti-Semitic hit-job. I mean, it would be amusing if it weren’t so pathological. (The use of the anti-Semitism card to protect abusers is something I have been writing about for a while, before I finished conducting my research.)

But the comment calling me a Nazi was quite infuriating, and even though the group moderators were tagged, nobody came on and nobody else called this guy out. And the whole thread was just over the top, so I deleted it. I didn’t even take a screenshot. Just deleted.

I then did what any self-respecting Facebooker would do. I went onto my own wall and told the story about how I was called a Nazi for suggesting that perhaps the Jewish community puts people with money on too high a pedestal. What happened next is a classic illustration of how communities rally around the wrong people and attack those who dare call out the truth.

First, one of the mods came onto my page in a bit of a huff. She was angry that I had attacked her group in public. She said that I should have reached out privately. She also said that she’s a feminist. I told her that the entire thread was a sexist, pompous cesspool (which it was), to which she replied a kind of “So what?” She said, “Yeah, there are sexist mansplainers, but there are also interesting threads.” I mean, they know. They totally know.

Then she added, “I can be pompous too.” She added that the group is big so “everyone” has this problem. And then when I shared with her a post I wrote a few weeks ago called “When good women protect bad men,” she got insulted and accused me of being mean to her.

Some other people came onto the thread, some of whom defended the group by saying, “Yeah, there are some sexist conversations, but the mods try to contain it.” And also, “You should have tried harder to reach the mods”, and finally, a few wrote, “You obviously are not an active part of the group so you don’t get how it works in the group.” That is the second time in a matter of two weeks that I was told my story is not credible or important because I’m not part of a particular community.

(Also, for the record, I was a part of the community until a few years ago when a guy named Pesach Summer posted a revolting thread about my writing — an essay I wrote in the Forward about kol isha — in which he declared, “This is why people can’t stand Elana Sztokman”. Like that. With 200 comments, including one from my nephew in which he said, “This woman is my aunt. She is brilliant but crazy.” I wrote a fictionalized short story about the impact of that experience on me for Jewish Fiction.net called “The Story of a Boy and his Witch-Aunt,” , which I also included in my essay collection, Conversations with my Body. But this is just a side point.)

Then finally the founder of the group came onto the thread. He was tagged by his grandmother who wrote, “Don’t criticize my grandson for his amazing work with his group!” He then continued to write to me that I should have written to the mods privately instead of just tagging, and he says he would have figured out a way to address it. I appreciate the sentiment, and value his integrity and genuine good will, I am still smarting from that nobody ever censured Pesach Summer or my nephew, 200 comments later. And also, the post was up for like an hour with the mod tags and the Goebbels’ comment, and it got zero pushback from anyone but me. He later wrote to me to apologize for the long lag in response time, and added “Nazi” and “Goebbels” to his list of keywords. So kudos for that.

Finally, one of my veteran followers wrote, “I lost respect for you because of how you attacked the mods of this group.” Boom. The circle complete, this is all my own fault, a revelation about my own flaws. And she added for good measure, “You’re a controversial and polarizing figure. Accept that.”

So in case you were wondering how it is that people rationalize protecting their communities and themselves rather than taking ownership for bad behaviors in their midst — this exchange was a perfect case study. Even though the mod and owner said that they might have removed the Goebbels guy, neither of them even bothered to ask me his name or to find out from the group if anyone saw it. So that sounds completely disingenuous. In any case, their reaction to me tells the real story.

Let’s break it down. Here are the primary components of 9 Ways a Community will Rally Around its own Members and Delegitimize Complainers: