How to stay human in these inhuman times

The images of Hamas returning random bodies and mobbing hostages, along with stories of grotesque torture, can make you lose your mind. I'm working hard to hang on to my humanity nevertheless.

It was a sickening week. The return of the dead Bibas babies, the body-switching of their mother Shiri, hostage stories of intense torture, and our continued witnessing of Hamas tactics of psychological torture — all of this is enough to make a person lose their mind. Shiri Bibas’ terrified face as she and her redheads were marched into captivity was eternally seared into our minds on October 7 and continues to evoke the traumatic horror of that event. And that hostage gash on our collective souls seems to has only gotten worse over 15 months. Yarden Bibas is not the only hostage to discover that his family has been destroyed while he was in the tunnels, some of the hostages have a long road of recovery ahead, and there are still 63 people sitting in tunnels….

Facing all this so directly day after day is a lot to hold. And this week was particularly grotesque. It feels like the entire country is sitting shiva. To wit, I walked into the bakery early Friday morning and the woman behind the counter was shuffling around slowly, quietly frowning, not making eye-contact. “You look like you’re still waking up,” I joked.

“No, I’m awake,” she said. “Just depressed.”

“About everything going on?” I asked.

She stared at me and said, “Bibas.”

Nothing more was said. It was all clear.

It is impossible not to be affected. Although in many corners of Israel, life sort of goes on — Israelis can be seen celebrating holidays, making weddings, traveling, working, doing businesses. But for some of us in some ways the world has been standing still since October 7. Personally, I’m not affected in a first-degree way, yet I find that I still don’t sleep normally, it’s hard to make long-term plans, and full-throated joy feels like a luxury. Or perhaps a distant memory.

And the political context remains infuriating. As angry as we all are at Hamas, the fact is that Netanyahu has a shameful role in abandoning the hostages, which I have been documenting for months along with many other writers. The Bibas story highlights his awfulness, and how he exploited the Bibas story for political gain. Last week, he gave a long, impassioned press conference about these events in his deep “I’m the King, trust me” kind of voice, and I found myself screaming at the radio and wishing people would stop listening to him, and eventually had to shut the radio entirely. I can’t listen to all his lies. His public face and the reality of his actions are so wildly unmatched that it feels like we’re living in some kind of sick matrix. He talked about the Bibas family all year, even though he knew they have been dead for a long time. He knew, and still used them to garner sympathy. He talked about them and even rejected opportunities to return their bodies months ago and save other hostages. It’s possible other hostages are dead because of this, according to Haaretz. He likes to win political points via emotional points, reality be damned. He truly seems to relish people’s depression and despair. The more Jews feel like the entire world hates us, the better his political chances. I really can’t bear this.

I also saw how this played out on social media. Of course it did. Conversations on FB this past week were particularly intense and extreme. I had people I’ve been friends with for years lamenting “leftists” as the cause of the hostage crisis, which is the exact opposite of the truth. Also hurtful. And dangerous. As one of those “leftists” apparently, every time I speak about the corruption of the government, I am now labeled as Enemy of the State, or maybe Enemy of the Jews. We know how that story goes. This is one of the Trump effects, the obnoxious brazenness of blacklisting. The ease with which people can make stuff up and blame entire swaths of the population for threatening the order of things. People who dare criticize the would-be-king are deemed evil. This is real and it’s happening and the images of the Bibas family are being used to justify this and vilify “leftists”.

This social media ugliness was also tied in with excessive tropes of Jewish victimhood. My feeds were flooded not only with Bibas stories, but also with false overdramatizations about how, “See! The world doesn’t care about us.” This is patently untrue, by the way. The Bibas story has been on the front pages everywhere, and several major cities have had massive public displays about them. Argentina observed two days of mourning for the Bibas family. Even Israel didn’t do that! But lots of Jews are now turning this story into some kind of “proof” about antisemitism around the world. And that, in turn, becomes the fodder for justification for anything Netanyahu feels like doing. The whole dynamic of using the stories to support grandiose narratives of antisemitism by refusing to see what is actually happening is annoyingly twisted and toxic.

Obviously I can understand the rage, to a certain extent. The Hamas actions of October 7, epitomized by the Bibas story, justifiably incite anger. But when this anger turns into calls for mass murder, collective punishment, or razing Gaza, that is when we start to lose our humanity.

This is precisely our work.
The urgent work of being human is exactly this. It’s about not letting our own pains and traumas become fodder for inhuman actions. I get how hard it is. But this is the whole thing. This is our big challenge, and perhaps the most important thing we need to focus on right now if there is ever going to be a better future here.

I spoke about this topic at some more length at a recent talk I gave for New Jewish Narrative about my book In My Jewish State. This conversation feels like the most important discussion our community needs to be having right now, about how to stay human in these inhuman times. I’m very grateful to organizers Maxxe Albert-Deitch and Karen Paul for inviting me. You can watch the discussion on Youtube.

If you’d like me to come speak to your community about these issues,
I’ll be doing a book tour in May, so feel free to reach out to me at elana.sztokman@gmail.com

One of the most powerful voices calling for retaining our humanity during these dark times is Robi Damelin, spokesperson for the Parents’ Circle Family Forum, the organization that brings together Israeli and Palestinian families who have lost loved ones in this war. When Robi received the knock on the door that every parent dreads, her reaction was not what you might expect. Instead of calling for revenge and justice, she demanded that nobody be hurt or killed as a response to her son's tragic death. She has since become a fierce activist for peace and shared society, dedicating her life to the Parents' Circle. I had the immense privilege of interviewing Robi for my podcast Women Ending War. In this powerful and touching episode, Robi shared why she is okay with the release of her son's killer from prison as part of the ceasefire exchange deal. Listen to how she describes her life mission and her inspiring vision for the future of this land. It was, indeed, one of the most meaningful episodes we have done.

FOLLOW THE WOMEN ENDING WAR PODCAST:
Youtube, Spotify, Facebook, Instagram

Also, at the risk of deflecting away from the real pains Israelis are experiencing right now, I would like to point out that the IDF killed two children in the West Bank on Thursday. Aiman Nasar Alhimoni, 11, was killed in Hebron in the area of Al Qasara during an IDF raid, and Rimas Amuri, 13, was killed in Jenin.

If we want to justify the claim that killing children is beyond the pale, then we need to be consistent in that claim. The IDF has killed an estimated 13,000 children since the start of this war. Let’s not look away. Let’s use the pain of the Bibas family to make it all stop.

To make it ALL stop.

Onward…

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