Am I ok? Um....

Last time Iran sent a few hundred missiles our way, we had 48 hour warning and protection from Jordan, UK, and the US.... This time, there was none of that.

I was in my kitchen chopping vegetables and enjoying that aroma of a soup forming while listening to Carole King from an “80s Mellow” playlist on Youtube when suddenly my phone started making strange screechy sounds. It wasn’t familiar and I thought maybe the playlist had gone haywire. I looked at my screen and saw an alert: “Everyone needs to get into their safe rooms immediately.”

My first thought was, “How did they get my number?” Then I thought, “Who is sending this? Is it even real? I didn’t sign up for this!” Then I started to second-guess myself and wonder if I did actually sign up for something and don’t remember. Then, my son — who lives in the north and has been staying with us with his wife and baby because, you know, rockets up north — said he got the same notice. We were a bit confused because there were initially no sirens. And these were strange notices. Still, we recognized that there was some kind of event, so we went into our safe rooms. I was also bummed about having to shut off the soup midway, as it’s hard to recreate that process. Would I get those flavors back? I wasn’t sure. But, you know, this is life now, I guess….

And then the sirens started. One after another. That’s a lot of sirens. And then the booms. One after another. Some right after another. Iron dome, exploding right on top of us. Then a pause for a few minutes. Then more sirens. Then more booms. That’s a lot of booms.

Then a knock at the front door. Two young women and three little kids were passing through and needed a safe room. We took them in — turns out this young mother from the south was taking a fun day with her three kids and her sister while her husband had been called up to reserve duty up north. When the sirens started, she left her car literally in the middle of the street and showed up looking for safety and a place to nurse the baby.

For a brief moment I was full of gratitude that I was able to help. That’s privilege in and of itself.

Then back to the sirens. And booms.

We started checking the news. Before any of the Israeli sites shared useful information, I found out from CNN of all places that the American government was concerned that a major attack from Iran was imminent. Not the first time I have had to look to international news agencies to find out what’s going on in my own neighborhood.

Then we checked in with our people. Everyone I know so far is fine, in the sense that we are all physically in one piece. My youngest daughter was supposed to be finally returning to Israel today after four months of traveling the world, but her flights keep getting cancelled. So there’s that. Like I said, we’re basically okay. Again, privileged. I get that.

Meanwhile we learned that right before this, there was a shooting attack in Jaffa that killed six or eight people. It happened right outside the home of my coworker at Arus Elbahar, and so she’s, you know, rattled. I have lots of friends in Jaffa and I keep checking to see when more details will be released (as in, names), which is possibly the worst stage in all of this. As I write this, I’m still waiting for details.

Heart still pounding. From what? I don’t know, take your pick.

So, how am I doing, really?

I don’t know. I’m so numb from the onslaught of traumatic events one after another that I can’t access the place in my soul that feels things.

And then there is that gnawing thought in my brain. The one that I have been wanting to say out loud but is such an unpopular opinion that I feel like if I say it, someone will curse me so hard that the curse might actually come true.

The rationality and irrationality seem to have intermingled in my supressed-screaming brain.

So this is my thought: Even though the world is a better place without Nasrallah in it in the sense that the most evil Lex Luther character running a band of terrorists relentlessly shooting missiles into civilian areas for, like, 30 years, is no longer alive to do that, even though we all have this genuine impulse to celebrate his demise, there is also this other reality. As a result of killing him, we also knew something like this would happen. This crazy, all-on attack of 150 ballistic missiles in 10 minutes all at once with no warning and no protection. Yeah, this happened because Israel keeps assassinating people. Bad people, for sure. But this is now what is happening. A brand new level of sheer terror.

Sure, I mean, the world cheers for the death of a truly terrible man.

But there are consequences. It’s what people in the field might call “ESCALATION”.

My problem is not that Nasrallah is dead. My problem is that our PM thinks that it’s okay to make decisions that ultimately make all the people here live targets. We are ALL bait.

So, you know, are Israelis now actually better off? After a year of this nonstop violence? Are we somehow better now than we were last week? Is any of this helping us in any way?

I keep coming back to the same thing. The only way we will ever have peace is through negotiation. An agreed-upon deal.

Lots of other people who know more about this than I do say the same thing. I’m just saying.

I am sooooooooooooooo sooooooooooooo tiiiiiiiiiired of all this bombing shit.

So tired.

Violence only brings more violence. It’s never the answer.

And in other news:

Before all this happened, I spent the day in the Gaza rim with my Palestinian-Muslim podcast co-host, Eva Dalak. We were visiting spots of Oct 7 events for a special podcast episode we hope to release next week to mark the year. It was a very difficult day, but also very powerful. I am so grateful to Eva for coming with me and talking about all this.

(In case you were wondering why Eva is not in Costa Rica, Eva is currently in Israel conducting a series of peace activation workshops using her trauma-informed approach. She’s amazing, truly. And we have been taking advantage of this trip — and its extension, because her flight home was also cancelled — to record Season 2 of the podcast. Stay tuned…)

Anyway, today was a very long, exhausting, and also exhilarating day, and I’m excited to see how it will come out when we finish editing. And, I had a little moment when it was over, when I picked up a trempistit (hitchhiker) and told her about my day. I shared a little tidbit here.

So how am I really, after this crazy insane intense day, following on so many crazy insane intense days?

I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t even know.

How about YOU?

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